Tireless Heart
05.18.08 (4:37 am) [edit]I'm scared of everything. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to fight this loneliness and starting to get a life. I don't know why I can't stop myself from getting hurt whenever I remember you. You can still make me cry at night. I have let go of you but my heart refuses to let go of your memories. My heart wants to keep you inside. How can I stop myself from feeling this way? I don't want to get hurt. I hate myself. Why can't I just forget about you and move on? Why do I have to feel this over and over again? Will this ever end? Please..Stop.
Other side of Pain..
05.13.08 (3:38 am) [edit]I’m pretty sure that none of us wanted to cry. None of us wanted to experience pain and failure. It has always been our quest to seek for happiness. But sometimes, it would take many years before we could finally fulfill our desires. Remember, life gives no hints! No one could ever tell us when, where and how we could find complete satisfaction. And here’s life teasing us, we are not even sure what are the things that would make us happy. We are deceived by our wrong beliefs and youthful experiences. As a result, instead of getting closer to our goal, we go further. Our excitement, craze and passion slowly subside. Motivation will be lost together with self-esteem. We start asking ourselves for our worth and purpose. And this is terrible, isn’t it? It would take a magic spell before we could finally get back to our senses. And one of these spell is pain..pain helps us realize our mistakes. Limit our obsession and freshen our rotten disposition. It gives us a new insight and it reminds us of how well/bad we have been lately. Though pain is hard to bear, it is the most effective way of teaching us. So, tell me now..should I’ll be glad or sad when I’m in pain?
Life after school..
05.09.08 (6:12 pm) [edit]
I graduated from college last year. At first, I was so happy and so excited to start a new journey. During our last days at school, we were oriented of what to expect in a real life. The thought scared me but I never really understood everything during that time.
A week after graduation, me and my friends went for job-hunting. We attended job fairs and read some news where we could find a job. We wanted to be together that's why we submitted our resumes almost in the same companies and positions. We got interviewed in the same schedule and our first interviews were so terrifying. During those times, we always find some ways to hang out and see each other. We shared same complains and worries. The idea of not being able to find a job bothered us but because we're not alone, we laughed and made fun out of it.
Those experiences can make me smile up to now. I remember all those worried faces and funny incidents while seeking for a job. All of us are working now but in different companies. This is my second job and I am earning. I know I should be happy by now but something is missing. It seems like everyone is so busy with their own life and spending time together is so hard to do. We have different schedules and I realize that things are getting serious in life. No one will tell you what to do. If you want something to happen in your life, you have to find a way and you have to do it alone. You could no longer depend on your friends. If you want a higher compensation, do better.
Listed below are the things I've learned:
A. Getting a good life is a lifetime process. You have to make a good foundation and work hard on it.
B. You should know how to dream. Being ambitious is sometime good because it gives you motivation to rise above the rest. It will give you direction.
C. Expect that life will be more complicated as you grow old. You'll be surprised because you are starting to worry on things that you're parents used to problem before. (Paying the bill , buying your needs and etc.)
D. Unlike while at school, absences and weak performance are not welcome in "WORK". You need to do good if want to keep your job. No excuses and buts. You will struggle at first.
E. You should know how to take a risk. Living this life of uncertainties, you need to try on something to know the answers to your questions. This may sound scary but this is reality. You will learn along the process. Sometimes you have to sacrifice something and it hurts.
F. You heart will be broken. (Whatever will be the reason, I know you will experience that). Living this life could be tough. You will meet people who could change you through pain.
I know there's more to learn. I'm still young and life is way way way ahead. More experiences to come and more people to meet. Just remember that you are the captain of your ship. It's all up to you if want a better life. No one will tell you what to do, you need to figure it out yourself. In school, you know what you will do the next day because you have schedules to follow. In real life, you have no schedules and deadlines. You need to make your own. In school, you have teachers to keep on track if you're doing your assignments and will give you grades to evaluate your performance. In real life, your failures will tell you if did well. Things are really different. So, good luck to all of us!
Love is not...
05.08.08 (9:57 pm) [edit]
I'm no longer a teenager and in my age right now,l should be dating. Most of my friends have a special someone already. They seem happy and I think that's what missing in my life. A person to love.
In my experience, I don't get easily fall for someone. It takes time for me to really hooked up with a person. I don't believe in love at first sight. It's all in the mind. People always mistakenly use the word "LOVE" and associate it with a different meaning. Love is something much deeper than the word "LIKE". You can only say you have loved when you learn to sacrifice something important to you and feel okay about it. You have loved when you understand the person why he is acting weird and find it cute along the way. You have loved when you learn to bend some of your beliefs, when you become surprisingly romantic and when you feel good about yourself and the people around you. And also, you have loved when you want to alter things just to make that person happy. I don't know if you agree with me but this is how I define love for a significant other. Love is a feeling you don't feel overnight. Love is not all physical attraction. It's something that we feel when you tend to like the person more than anyone else and when it is unconditional.
People who confess their feeling to me, I'm not impressed when they say " I love you" instantly. It can even change my good impression to them. These people are confused. This is the reason why many relationships fail. Once they found out the person they are with are no longer the person they have liked at the first meeting. Arguments will start and eventually everything will end in a hurtful breakup.. What do you think? Am I making sense here?
Scratching the Scar Again...
05.08.08 (4:59 am) [edit]
& nbsp; I thought I'm already doing okay. I'm no longer crying at night, my heart is no longer aching and you're no longer the first thing I have in mind before and after I sleep. I don't know how you do it but a single memory that reminds me of you can bring back all the pain in my heart. Just yesterday, I heard that you're seeing someone and you seem happy now. It turned my whole world upside down. I feel my heart is breaking again. It is wounded and bleeding so hard. It made me wonder if I can get over you. I've been trying to live my life without you. Divert my attention, be productive and do any thing to kill the time. But at the end, it's useless. You can still hurt me. Why do I allow this thing? I really don't know. I feel so helpless. I can't escape from this misery.
& nbsp; Seeing you is like scratching the scar again. Allowing it to bleed like a fresh cut wound. No matter how I try to heal it, you can always hurt me. The wound you have caused in my heart seem not to heal with time. My heart still wants to love you despite the pain.
Friends Don't Kiss
05.06.08 (4:13 am) [edit]
Ten years ago, I never had an idea on how to love someone other than my family. I have seen movies and heard stories about love but they don’t seem to convey real emotions. All of them confused me and gave me a blurred picture of falling in love. It made me asked why people cry and ruin their life because of LOVE. It made me wonder why letting go is so hard for them to do. I asked why they allow themselves to go crazy and more likely forget about their worth as a person because of loving someone. Even love songs sometimes overstate everything. Lyrics of a song have always been more on fantasy and happy ending. I never understood everything not until I met you.
Honestly, I never wanted anything before. My life was so simple and quite. I never thought that things will change this way. I never felt anything special when I first met you. You were just an ordinary person that anyone could easily forget. But a sudden twist of fate came and I had the chance to know you more. We started talking and eventually felt comfortable sharing important things about each other. I discovered that you love spaghetti as much as I do. It surprises me to know that we share many things in common and it never came to me that I could like you this much. Things that matter to you started to make sense to me. People you love became important to me. Everything happened so fast that I could no longer remember the exact time I started loving you. At first, my feelings to you confused me. I might have mistakenly interpreted my emotions. How could I be in love with you? I tried to control my emotions and attempted to spend a day without hearing from you. But the more I ignore it, the more I wanted to be with you. Spending a day without a text message from you could kill. You started to become my favorite pastime. It felt good every time I see you in school. You were a popular student and I can't help but admire you. I never get tired listening to your stories and your smiles are my appetite to be happy too.
Days passed and we spent most of our time together. You were the most thoughtful person I’ve met. You never fail to greet me on any special occasions. You never had an idea on how you made me real happy inside. I never felt something like this before. Our closeness became steady and without our knowing, we started doing things that normal friends don’t do. You’re the first person I kissed. You’re the first person I have said I love you with. With you, I always feel safe and loved. I was the happiest person during those times we’re together. You were happy too, I know. But, things aren’t right. You suddenly changed and we often argue over things. Then one day, you confessed everything. You’re friends started to ask about us. Maybe you realized that whatever we have is so wrong. Friends never kiss on the lips. Friends never act like lovers. I don’t know how to describe the way I felt that day. Even up to now, I could not find a word to perfectly describe the pain I felt during that time. I never wanted to end everything between us. It was the only thing that keeps me happy. But, I have no right to fight for it. It’s forbidden. I don’t even know how to make you stay; I can’t find any reasons to convince you. How could you fight for something that’s so wrong? It’s hard. It took me years to have found the courage to see you again. Of course, it was hard for me to talk to you like nothing had happened. You were the reason why I cry at night. You never had an idea that you’re hurting me. Up to now, I don’t know why we kissed. Did you ever love me? Were those kisses for real? Have you missed me? I have so many questions but never had the chance to ask you.
Moving on was never a trouble-free. I changed the way I looked. I did things that I used to hate. It was never easy when you have no one to share your pain. I never thought that love could change you. It could make you hate yourself. It hurts me to see you and pretend that you mean nothing to me. You asked me one time if those kisses we shared felt something, I said no. I was glad that you did not see me while saying those words because I don't want to let my tears fall with you around. Frankly, I wanted to tell you that I lied but I can’t. There’s no sense of telling you the truth because I know that’s the answer that you wanted to hear from me. It’s hard to remain friends with you. Love is really magical. I don’t know why I did those things. I don’t know why I allowed myself to be hurt. I don’t know why I let you go. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. Everything really is complicated. How could I love the person who chooses to hurt me? How could I continue loving you until now? I’m such a fool. You make me feel stupid. Why can’t I stop loving you? I don’t know.