Friends Don't Kiss

Friends Don't Kiss

    Ten years ago, I never had an idea on how to love someone other than my family. I have seen movies and heard stories about love but they don’t seem to convey real emotions. All of them confused me and gave me a blurred picture of falling in love. It made me asked why people cry and ruin their life because of LOVE. It made me wonder why letting go is so hard for them to do. I asked why they allow themselves to go crazy and more likely forget about their worth as a person because of loving someone. Even love songs sometimes overstate everything. Lyrics of a song have always been more on fantasy and happy ending. I never understood everything not until I met you.

    Honestly, I never wanted anything before. My life was so simple and quite. I never thought that things will change this way. I never felt anything special when I first met you. You were just an ordinary person that anyone could easily forget. But a sudden twist of fate came and I had the chance to know you more. We started talking and eventually felt comfortable sharing important things about each other. I discovered that you love spaghetti as much as I do. It surprises me to know that we share many things in common and it never came to me that I could like you this much. Things that matter to you started to make sense to me. People you love became important to me. Everything happened so fast that I could no longer remember the exact time I started loving you. At first, my feelings to you confused me. I might have mistakenly interpreted my emotions. How could I be in love with you? I tried to control my emotions and attempted to spend a day without hearing from you. But the more I ignore it, the more I wanted to be with you. Spending a day without a text message from you could kill. You started to become my favorite pastime. It felt good every time I see you in school. You were a popular student and I can't help but admire you. I never get tired listening to your stories and your smiles are my appetite to be happy too.

    Days passed and we spent most of our time together. You were the most thoughtful person I’ve met. You never fail to greet me on any special occasions. You never had an idea on how you made me real happy inside. I never felt something like this before. Our closeness became steady and without our knowing, we started doing things that normal friends don’t do. You’re the first person I kissed. You’re the first person I have said I love you with. With you, I always feel safe and loved. I was the happiest person during those times we’re together. You were happy too, I know. But, things aren’t right. You suddenly changed and we often argue over things. Then one day, you confessed everything. You’re friends started to ask about us. Maybe you realized that whatever we have is so wrong. Friends never kiss on the lips. Friends never act like lovers. I don’t know how to describe the way I felt that day. Even up to now, I could not find a word to perfectly describe the pain I felt during that time. I never wanted to end everything between us. It was the only thing that keeps me happy. But, I have no right to fight for it. It’s forbidden. I don’t even know how to make you stay; I can’t find any reasons to convince you. How could you fight for something that’s so wrong? It’s hard. It took me years to have found the courage to see you again. Of course, it was hard for me to talk to you like nothing had happened. You were the reason why I cry at night. You never had an idea that you’re hurting me. Up to now, I don’t know why we kissed. Did you ever love me? Were those kisses for real? Have you missed me? I have so many questions but never had the chance to ask you.

    Moving on was never a trouble-free. I changed the way I looked. I did things that I used to hate. It was never easy when you have no one to share your pain. I never thought that love could change you. It could make you hate yourself. It hurts me to see you and pretend that you mean nothing to me. You asked me one time if those kisses we shared felt something, I said no. I was glad that you did not see me while saying those words because I don't want to let my tears fall with you around. Frankly, I wanted to tell you that I lied but I can’t. There’s no sense of telling you the truth because I know that’s the answer that you wanted to hear from me. It’s hard to remain friends with you. Love is really magical. I don’t know why I did those things. I don’t know why I allowed myself to be hurt. I don’t know why I let you go. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. Everything really is complicated. How could I love the person who chooses to hurt me? How could I continue loving you until now? I’m such a fool. You make me feel stupid. Why can’t I stop loving you? I don’t know.